


Paralyzed

by ConnorFromCyberLife



Series: Detroit Oneshots [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Deals With Human Emotions, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Deserves Happiness, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) is Bad at Feelings, Connor finds it hard to adjust to deviancy, Connor is sad, Connor is traumatised, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Hank is a Good Dad, guilty Connor, he doesn't like them, not really I enjoy suffering, poor robo-child, sorry connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 19:11:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15825165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnorFromCyberLife/pseuds/ConnorFromCyberLife
Summary: Connor finds it hard to adjust to feeling emotions. Oneshot.





	Paralyzed

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to the song Paralyzed by NF and was inspired to write this. Connor really doesn't like his new feelings. But it's alright, he just hasn't experienced any good ones yet ;)  
> This is also partly based on my head-canon that Connor has a hard time adjusting to deviancy and has a lot of internal conflict.  
> Anywho, enjoy.

He hurts. He's not supposed to hurt. He's not supposed to  _feel._ Androids don't feel. So why does he hurt? It's guilt, he recognises. He feels guilty. He feels guilty because he's failing, because he's deviant. Because he almost killed Markus. Because he almost ruined everything. The emotion paralyses him, clawing at his chest, squeezing his thirium pump till it physically hurts. It scares him. He doesn't understand. It's over. He shouldn't be feeling this way. The androids won. The revolution is over. 

He chokes, there's smoke invading his lungs with their icy tendrils. He cannot breathe. He doesn't need to breathe. He's an android. But he cannot breathe. The smoke is travelling through him, a painful numb, freezing the thirium in his veins. Like how Amanda had tried to freeze him, tried to take over, tried to make him  _shoot._ The memory paralyses him, and his LED flashes a rapid red. His shoulders tremble. He didn't shoot. He didn't let Amanda take control.  _We won._ He repeats to himself.  _It's over._

And yet, he's scared. All these emotions have come crashing down on him like a waterfall, the water filling his orifices and washing him out. He's not supposed to be scared. He's not supposed to be deviant. This shouldn't have happened.  _failurefailurefailure._ He betrayed CyberLife. He almost betrayed Jericho. Does he even have a side? Who is he working far? The thought paralyses him. He's with Jericho now. CyberLife no longer holds control over him. He has not need to feel guilty. CyberLife was the bad guy. He  _was_ the bad guy. He killed so many androids, who just wanted freedom. He felt no remorse when he had pulled the trigger. He feels remorse now. Too much remorse. 

He can feel tears running down his face, he's crying. It's not his fault, he was a machine. He wasn't in control. It _is_ his fault _._ He pulled the trigger, he pursued the investigation. He went to Jericho with the full intent of ending Markus's life. He's not like them. He doesn't preach peace. He's a weapon. He was built to kill. And he has. He had no feelings. He has feelings now. He has them and he doesn't want them. He wants to be numb again. He wants it to stop. He doesn't want to  _feel._ He sobs, collapsing. The sobs paralyse him, blind him. He can't move, can't see.

He's so scared.

"Hank," he manages to choke out. He's on the kitchen floor, curled in on himself. "H-Hank, I need help!" 

Hank is there in an instant, crouched down beside him, hand against his back, rubbing gentle circles. Connor buries his face into Hank's chest, throwing his arms around him, shaking.  _It's okay. Hank's here it's okay._ Hank almost died. _Connor_ almost killed him. It wasn't him. It wasn't him. Just an android wearing his face, with the same voice, same mission. Same _everything_. It was him. He was like that before he deviated. Connor's sobs increase and he clutches onto Hank like a lifeline.  _He could have killed Hank._

"Emotions are hard, aren't they?"  _Yes, yes they are hard. I don't want them. Make them go away._ "I'd offer you a drink, but I don't want you to end up like me. 'Sides, I don't think you androids even _can_ drink." He can't drink. He is a machine. Machines don't drink. They don't eat. They aren't alive. He wants to shut down his mind, wants it to stop telling him lies. Stop reminding him that he's defective. 

"I want it to stop."

Hank nods into his shoulder, "Once you get 'em they don't stop. Pieces of fuckin' shit. You can either drink them away, or you can fight 'em. You ain't like me, Connor. You're a fighter."

_Fighter. Weapon._ He's a weapon. Not a fighter. "I want it to stop, Hank. I don't want feelings."

"Well, you got 'em now, whether you want them or not. Ain't much you can do about it, 'cept learn to live with it. You'll adjust."

He won't adjust. He doesn't want to adjust. He wants to go back to feeling numb. He doesn't want  _this._ "Why does it hurt so much?" 

"You've been through a lot, kid. Remember that. A lot more than a regular person has been through. It's going to hurt. Trauma ain't something you just get over."

_Trauma._

"Now stop crying, alright? You'll get through this." Connor wills himself to stop. Wills his LED to turn blue again. "There ain't nothing to be scared of, okay? No-more android revolution, no-more deviant hunting. You're free to be who you want to be, Connor." He calms down, feeling some of the pressure ease off his chest. "And if you decide you wanna be me, I'll fucking disown you. I can barely stand myself as it is."

"It's _hard_." Connor murmurs, Hank nods in understanding. "I don't like feelings."

"Neither do I, son." Hank stands, offering a hand to help Connor up, he takes it. "Wanna watch a movie? Might help take your mind off things, cheer you up a bit."

Connor nods. A movie sounds nice. It sounds better than feelings, anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, please drop a comment or kudos so I know this isn't complete crap. Thanks ^_^  
> Also, there may be more music inspired oneshots further down the line, cos I enjoyed writing this.


End file.
